Valentines Day
I was lucky to receive some beautiful wishes from my love on Valentines Day, but it has caused me reflect on the concept of love in Afghan society. It is something that has already come up several times here in different conversations.
It’s weird, being in love here is forbidden. The girls simply say that it is a very bad thing to be in love. It is against the law and the religion. I don’t even know where to begin explaining what it’s like and I can’t imagine a whole life without it.
Marriage is not based on love, but is something that is organized by their parents, even today. I was talking to Mansoor, who is becoming one of my good AIESEC friends here. His father is suggesting that he get married. Why? Because the family wants something to do this summer. The wedding rituals take place over about 3-4 months. He can’t see why I think it’s strange that he get married just because his family wants something to do over summer. I asked him, if he were to get married, who would he marry? He said he doesn’t know, but his mother has started looking. It’s just so strange. But he can’t believe that our parents would have very little to do with the choice of our partners. So we’re both talking to each other about worlds that are so foreign that we can hardly understand.
The relationship of marriage, rather than being based on love, or even companionship, is more out of necessity and the needs of the family. Men take a wife, when they feel ready to support one and when they need one t take care of them. Their wife is usually chosen by the mother, or sometimes the boy will tell the mother if there is a girl that he as seen that he likes. The mother will go to the girls parents and negotiate with them about what the marriage will involve. Generally the girls have no say in anything at all.
Even the boys mother going to the girls family is part of the ritual. Then the families visit eachother, but still the couple never meets. Maybe if the girls parents permit it, they will be allowed to see each other, but not really talk.
The wedding itself is a huge process, but the men and women celebrate separately. The have these big lavish party, for many people it is the highlight of their lives.
After the marriage, the wife moves in with the man’s family, and becomes part of the women in that household, and part of the house hold “staff”. If women are lucky, they are well treated and their relationship with their husband develops into one of companionship, respect and even love. But if they are unlucky, the relationship remains one of master and servant. Either way, he always maintains control.
Love is something that is sinister and forbidden and can only lead to trouble and tragedy. It does not factor into anything. Well, I have no doubt that it can lead to trouble and possibly tragedy, but I would not want to lead my life without it. Love brings all the highs and lows and so much meaning and clarity as well as confusion and fear. I just can’t get my head around the idea that this whole society functions without it. But it is just one of the things that I am learning to come to terms with here in Kabul.
6 Comments:
Good post Kyle, interesting and thought provoking.
Have you asked if they have a similar word for 'love' in their language? How would they translate the definition into English?
Do they just interpret 'love' differently...
For us, love is a feeling, a freedom. Are they expected to 'fall in love' after they're married?
I enjoyed your post for several different reason-- Firstly it was well written and informative-- But secondly I couldnt turn away from it because of my own jaded views on love-- I've always believed that love is fleeting and all but imagined in the mind of the "lovers" just to alleviate lonliness and pain-- and with a society in which over 50 percent of marriages end in divorce-- I cant help but think that maybe this culture that yr friend is involved in may have a better approach-- regarding marriage as a partnership for the betterment of a family status or simply for the produciton of children may be a better basis for holy matimony than this illusion called "love"...
That is really weird! I heart about it, but i didn't know if people would still marry without love.
It is good that you wrote about it. It is really interesting.
Good written Kyle. Love is something unique, and rarely can be defined. I am unable to read your post fully, but I'll do that soon. Keep writing.
Glad i found your blog, and to see you are alive and well.
Really interesting post...strikes a nerve with me, because my (indian) parents had an arranged marriage and questions of 'love' were never even even discussed in my house; at the same time I'm growing up in Australia which preaches love as the solution to all of life's ills.
I've read a lot more about the reasoning behind the absence of love...a lot of it seems to be metaphysical in origin. Both Buddhism and Hinduism talk about love being pointless - why emotionally attach yourself to something that is going to die? It's like we're setting ourselves up to fail. There's a lot of logic to the buddhist statement that 'attachment is the cause of suffering'. So the goal of life becomes to seek happiness inside, rather than attaching ourselves to objects or other sentient beings.
Personally, the latter point of view seems to make a lot of sense, so I am going to have to live my life by it. Hopefully it sheds some light on the issue, even though we are talking about different cultures.
Love or `Meena`in our language, is very respected word, we have lots of true and fictional love stories in Afghanistan.still i know lots of young boys and girl love each other in Kabul. BUT Now the question rises that,In a country where poets, warriors and even emperors have written lots of books and poems about this pricious gift which is love and may be big tracks may not be able to carry them ... thats right that people in Afghanistan mostly dont get married when the parents are not happy, its because of deep respect and the thinking that parents never want to offer his son a bad choice, the parents choose a girl for the boy if boy likes her its ok if not than the boy is not obliged to marry her.and mostly for the girls is the same, but in villages its right that girl can say nothing, because they think that the parents wont choose her a bad husband. There is a big difference between sex and love, yes about having sex before marriage with many people we dont like this, so the boys who decieve girls telling them about love and the aim is sex and after having sex the boys leave them, thats why some girls may say love is not a good thing this is not love this is sex, come to other side which is love lots of love marriages here with the agreement of parents ofcourse, exceptional cases are always there. and again if there is so called arrange marriage I think here the love starts after marriage cause u see very few devorce cases, and in cities femal can go and work, like being school teacher, doctor, working in NGO, but in villages they do house work or some times agricultural work, or sewing rugs and carpets.I think its a bit difficult to understand one society very soon and explore the hiden things and what mystries they have, This was another angle about love which i always see in my country.
any comments: mamoon61@gmail.com
Post a Comment
<< Home